The Twelve Ranters Of Christmas, Or The War On Christmas That Isn't

On The Twelfth Rant Of Christmas My Pastor Sent to me ...

Twelve Bill O'Reillys

Eleven Bryan Fischers

Ten Sean Hannitys

Nine Tony Perkins

Eight Harry Jacksons

Seven Rick Santorums

Six Cindy Jacobs

FIVE HUCK... A... BEEEEES

Four Pat Robertsons

Three Chuck Norrises

Two Rick Perrys

And ...a ...Limbaugh ...with.... Oxy... con... tiiiin

       "These secularists have no clue what it is. They are threatened by it. They can't leave well-enough alone, because it is other people's faith in God that scares them to death. I, for one -- and I hope you're one, too -- refuse to let these people succeed year after year, wearing away the joy and the wonder and the true meaning of this time of year and this marvelous holiday."

 - Rush Limbaugh

The annual "War on Christmas" is ...fizzling. Not because of vicious attacks from the "Secular Left", but from apathy within its own troops. To be sure, the "naughty" list (retailers who say "Happy Holidays") is still put out by the American Family Association, but some of it most stalwart supporters are, well, a bit tired: 

Bill O'Reilly: 

       "Every year I have to deal with assaults against Christmas That does not make me happy. I don’t want to do this. But I, personally? I’m fed up. The people who want to diminish the Christmas federal holiday are insulting me. And they’re insulting you, if you’re a Christian and believe in traditional America."

And the fatigue has given way to more skewed reason, more outlandish attempts to paint everyone, from Obama to poster-child retailer Chic-Fil-A as entities who want to destroy all that is Christmas. For example, Buster Wilson of the American Family Association insists that America's courts are condemning Christmas:

       "I don’t understand, ‘you’re not the majority anymore, this is not a Christian nation and you’ve guys have got to quit trying to cram everything down people’s throats,’ nobody’s trying to cram—look, it is the folks who don’t want us celebrating Christmas that are cramming that view down our throats and using the courts to do it."

The extreme sentiment is now that somehow Christmas is looked upon by non-"Christians" as ...evil:

Mike Huckabee:

        ".... I do believe that there are people who would be very happy if we never, ever said the word Christmas again."

Pat Robertson has become more placid in stating that atheists simply want to "steal" Christmas because they aren't happy and they don't want anyone else to be happy. (see below).

The Devil Is In The Desperation

Unable to separate "Happy Holidays" from its mass appeal, the people at FOX News and the whole of the Christian Right (or so it seems), has created a kind of pathetic hysteria (Gretchen Carlson of FOX asked a guest "Are we crazy for thinking there's a war on Christmas?") - a hysteria which people which the American public is finding to be, well, silly (see below). Even a "Muslim Obama will do away with Christmas" has fallen on deaf ears, and people are scoffing at Chick-fil-A's lack of "Christmas" in its advertising as any kind of apostasy. 

The Real Kabosh

Possibly the ultimate squelch to FOX's War On Christmas spirit was placed by Father Jonathan Morris on, of all places, FOX News:

       "If our Christmas is going to be all about getting upset at people trying to take away Christmas, isn’t that silly too?"

Of course it is, but naming any kind of Christian Right stance "silly" may be silly as well: the CR takes itself all too seriously and Father Morris's days as a commentator on FOX may be numbered.    Never take away The Christian Right's right to be persecuted. 

And Christmas is the perfect time to focus on persecution.

It's a wonder that the Right's media and talking heads haven't mentioned the latest attack in the War on Christmas: the Dalai Lama's proposal of a "Religionless Religion"

OBAMA IS GAY AND CIVILIZATION IS DOOMED! As Expected, The Wingnuts Are Out In Full Force. Cue Laughter.

CRAZY LADY USHERS IN THE AGE OF HILARIOUS
It's been said before. We've made a religion out of entertainment and an entertainment out of religion, and no one entertained us more last week than a lady who ranted:

- "A huge percent of gay men in school grounds molest boys, partly because they don't have AIDS yet," she said.

- "Hillary Clinton's roommate four years in college was a gay woman. To avoid going gay like Clinton did, college students need single rooms and single gender dorms."

- "Jesus was kissed by Judas, a homo, who tried to sabotage Jesus' kind ideas. Do you choose Jesus, a celibate, or Judas, a homo? You have to choose!"

Later, it was discovered that Ms. Svoboda was a certifiable schizophrenic ...and:

Nonetheless, Jane Svoboda is a registered lobbyist at the Capitol, and she usually speaks twice a month during the council’s open mic sessions. She also frequents the University of Nebraska-Lincoln campus, where she hands out fliers and is known as the “Crazy Blue Protesting Lady.”

Her brother and legal guardian, Patrick Svoboda lamented "that people were not more understanding of her mental illness. Money quote from Patrick: "...she’s not some crazy conservative.”

Yes, we knew the wingnuts would come out swinging with a vegeance against Barack Obama.

Here's a small list of Headlining quotes:

Manny Pacquiao: "Gay Men Should Be 'Put to Death'"

Pat Robertson: "Obama makes me sick to my stomach"

Pastor Jim Garlow: "Oppposing gay marriage may cost us our lives."

Paul Cameron: "Obama is gay." and "Gays should be imprisoned before they rape kids"

Franklin Graham: "Obama has shaken his fist at God. May God help us!"

Bishop Harry Jackson: "The Enemy wants [marriage equality] to be a legacy, or a seed that is planted in this generation that corrupts, perverts and pollutes...generations to come."

Bryan Fischer: "Obama is toast...just handed the election to Mitt Romney because he favors behavior that will kill you if you don’t catch yourself in time”

During this election year, the collection of wingnuts seems to resemble The Gong Show more than American Idol, Jerry Springer more than Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno's Battle of the Jay Walk Allstars more than What's My Line? Speaking of which:

Does anyone know who Manny Pacuiao is? He's a Champion prizefighter popular in the Philippine who currently lives and trains in L.A. His pronouncement came at a time when it was disclosed that he had a Filipino mistress - he's supposedly a devout Catholic.



Pat Robertson, is, of course, Pat Robertson. He was accused of being a bit dotty back when he said that Orlando Florida would suffer a meteor since it allowed Disney World to have Gay Day. He also declared that disaster-ridden Haiti has signed a pact with the Devil, leading even his followers to believe that he is senile. Other are doubtful, stating that senility could not last a full forty years. 

Pastor Jim Garlow, of Skyline Weslyan Church in San Diego, has compared marriage equality to slavery and insisted that if Prop 8 failed, pastors would go to jail. (Garlow was a leading proponent of Prop 8).

Paul Cameron is probably THE most discredited researcher on earth, declaring that the average age of a gay male is 42 - a figure he arrived at while perusing gay newspaper obituaries during the worst years of the AIDS crisis. The Family Research Council has based their rhetoric on Cameron's findings. Cameron has been ousted and criticized by The American Psychological Association, the Nebraska Psychological Association and the Canadian Psychological Association. Most of Cameron's "research" has been published in pay-to-publish publications. 

Franklin Graham, son of evangelist Bill Graham, has become at odds with his father of late, positing that people outside Christianity cannot possibly enter into the Kingdom of Heaven ( at least not without his -ah,er - God's permission). 

Bishop Harry Jackson is an activist for the black family - just not the gay black family: I'm looking at the extinction of marriage. And black culture is in a free fall." He also believes that condoms promote AIDS. 

Bryan Fischer has become known as America's "Super Bigot": he opposes everything and everyone who isn't Bryan Fischer. As a spokesman for the American Family Association, Fischer has railed against Native Americans, African-American single mothers, liberals, gays, feminists, Mormons and, well, the list goes on and on. He has friends, be they may currently be in hiding. 

But Wait, There's More!

Like a Ronco Popeil product commercial, the panoply of wingnuts who will be weighing in on gay marriage and all political "wedges" will be adding more wingnuts as time goes by...all the way to Nov. 6th. You will hear from:

- Cindy Japan-is-shaped-like-a-dragon Jacobs. She may "cure" another woman of her hysterectomy just to spite pro-choice foes.

- C. Peter Wagner, who advocates the demolition of the Statue of Liberty, it being a pagan idol. He will be going to Sarah Palin's Alaska andburning totem poles on front lawns.

- Rick Joyner, who visited heaven once upon a time, and may visit it again to see what the political climate is there.

- John Hagee, who will be rooting for Armageddon with CUFI (Christians United For Israel).

Yes, the "Laugh" sign is on for us in the studio audience called America. But don't laugh too much and miss voting this year. Maybe that's their strategy. 

Clever.

The Monday Sermon: What If What You Believe Is Really Just...Crap?

Belief is hallowed in our country.
Maybe a bit too much.


"I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows..." Nice. Inspirational. Not true, but who cares?(1) Statements of belief in any credo, philosophy, experience or person have always been sacrosanct to Americans. When "I believe" is uttered with any amount of intensity, it commands respect. "I believe in Joe Blow" rings with commitment. Sometimes "I believe" challenges the listener: NOT believing is decidedly wrong.


"It's what we BELIEVE!" is probably the most ubiquitous response to any criticism of religion. Visitors to the Creation Museum in Kentucky chimed "This is what we BELIEVE!" in defense of their prideful support. Many people divide the country into "us" and "them: "believers" and "non-believers." Belief has, in effect, become a catchall defense mechanism as well as a rally cry. It is a weapon for both defense and attack. And sometimes it becomes an unassailable fortress in war.(2)


It's no wonder that criticism of any belief system (especially involving blind belief) is almost immediately looked upon with an enormous amount of contempt. And if you can't stand the contempt, well, tough - you made a conscious decision to question the system and it's your fault if you're held in contempt. True believers (and they are all true believers) don't take criticism very well.


So what if some belief is such crapola, such bullshit, such cretinous crud  that its mere existence labels the believer as someone uneducated and out of touch with reality or -worse - an unmitigated moron? Young earth Creationism is perhaps a prime example: the Creation Museum in Kentucky, in its quest to somehow "adjust" science with belief, has a Tyrannosaurus Rex blissfully chomping on vegetation in the Garden of Eden. The idea that Adam and Eve may have romped with Pebbles Flintstone and Bam Bam Rubble has given legitimate scientists cause to call the museum's reasoning "Yabba Dabba Science."


The ensuing guffaws were well deserved, but they weren't enough to stop the Museum's creators from embarking on another piece of WTF: a "lifesize" rendering of Noah's Ark.(3)


Another example of belief that is absolutely ludicrous is snake handling. The practice of snake handling is still observed in rural parts of Appalachia and the South, with handlers believing that survival from snake bites gave evidence of grace and faith. Some handlers have imbibed poisons like strychnine to prove the New Testament's Mark 16: " and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them." Needless to say, there have been some fatalities in snake handler churches.


The belief that satanic forces are at work in everything that the believer does not consider God-sanctioned are, for the most part, irrational and ludicrous:

- Evangelist C. Peter Wagner:
...asserts that Catholic saints bring honor to the spirits of darkness, and promotes the burning of their statues in Argentina. Wagner asserts that the Holy Spirit came to his associate, Cindy Jacobs (a "prophet" in Wagner’s Apostolic Council of Prophetic Elders) and "told her that in [the Argentinian city of] Resistencia they must burn the idols, like the magicians did in Ephesus"

- The founder of Heartland Apostolic Prayer Network, John Benefiel, has posited that the Statue of Liberty is a demonic idol (see video below)(4)

And the belief in a vengeful God always smacks of medieval superstition:

- Pat Robertson proposed that Orlando's Disney World having a "Gay Day" would result in floods, hurricanes "and possibly a meteor."
- Cindy Japan-is--shaped-like-a-dragon Jacobs said that the unusual occurrence of a mass of birds falling dead in Texas was the result of the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Belief and Faith

And the attitude of faith is the very opposite of clinging to belief, of holding on. Belief is clinging to a rock in the middle of a stream. Faith is knowing how to swim.

 - Alan Watts

Personally, I do not harbor a belief in God. I have, instead, a faith in God inextricably coupled with humanity: as creations, God is in all of us and faith in humanity is faith in God. One cannot exist without the other. It is the placement of God beside us, or rather, above us, that makes "believers" prone to self-loathing and have an inherent distrust of humanity. (Saint) Augustine of Hippo gave us the vehicle for self-loathing in Original Sin and its transmission through sex. "We're all sinners, born in sin" is the great leveling retort for many Christians who need to dispel any appearance of self-righteousness. 


So perhaps belief in Original Sin is...crap. It certainly is the greatest guilt complex mankind has ever had, the kind that has forced him to compensate with a bravado of wars. 

The Power of Blind Belief

It's time we should qualify the term "belief" by saying that what is meant is really "blind belief", belief where no substantial proof exists, like belief in a myth or belief in a rumor. But that qualification does not lessen its power. Blind belief has erected monuments and created wars.

Perhaps the true power of blind belief lies in the hold it has on the believer: the one who believes that all gay men die in diapers believes (or wants to believe) everything Pastor Patrick Wooden puts forth. The power of blind belief can lead the believer to automatically respect almost anyone with an "Rev." in front of their name.(5)

Blind belief has a kind of "trickle down" effect: the blind belief people have in religion trickles down -with very few filters - to belief of everything their pastors say. And it is because it has few filters that blind belief is strong: education, for example, is a filter that "true" believers distrust and many times avoid. Qualify that: education outside of the system of blind belief. That's why people actually believe Rev. Patrick Wooden.


Blind belief also feeds people's self-righteousness: in order to feel righteous, people need to be enabled by a belief which is more superior, more uplifting, more...righteous than others. That's why organizations like Americans For Truth About Homosexuality have people like Patrick Wooden on their media broadcasts. The sheer righteous arrogance that comes out of men like Patrick Wooden, DL ("Down Low") Foster, Bryan Fischer and Pat Robertson is astounding.


Yet people believe them.


Vetting Your Belief


As we've seen in the Republican party, vetting is not a conservative's strong point (e.g. Sarah Palin). The same could be said for many "social" conservatives: if a candidate says "God" and "Bible" enough times, well, that's enough for them. (6)


And it's the same with some beliefs: "That ole time religion is good enough for me" merely says that the person has never been allowed (or allowed himself) to look behind what today is called his "belief." After all, to question a televangelist like Pat Robertson, a "Prophetess" like Cindy Jacobs or a "Pastor" like Rick Warren is to question what they preach. And they preach THE WORD OF GOD! Looking in the past to believers who promoted slavery, who caused wars, who tortured and killed in the name of God is! The authority of the Bible is never questioned, and neither is the authority of the pulpit. 


It's ironic that more than any other time in history, you (and by extension - we) need to vet your beliefs, simply because purveyors of the "crap" have expanded their horizons to such a degree that some of the beliefs they proselytize are more dangerous than ever: one only need to look to Uganda and Russia, and at home, our own state legislatures. The culture wars are real. And politicians who specially pander to the Christian Right are merely enabling those televangelists and pastors who shepherd their blind believers. 


So you need to vet your beliefs as well as expose the underpinnings of others. And maybe in vetting your beliefs, you shouldn't be afraid to call some of it "crap."





1. If it were true, we'd be drowning in nasturtiums.
2. Europe's 30-years' War pitted Protestants against Catholics and claimed approximately 2 million "believers."
3. The new theme park will cost an estimated $170 million - $55 million basically subsidized by the state of Kentucky. 
4. One response/comment to the video:

ctually, the 'name' of the statue in New York is "The New Colossus" and is symbolic of all things that are great about America. Freemasons had nothing to do with funding or constructing it, the statue was a gift to the United States from French Schoolchildren. This man is either stupid, ill-read, power hungry, or, most likely, all the above.
5.myself included.

6. In the case of Newt Gingrich, it was "God" "bible" and "mea culpas".

You Might Be A Right Wing Bible Thumper, If...: Foxworthy's New Bible Quiz Show Promises Unintended Laughs

You Might Be A Right Wing Bible Thumper if...

You have to give Jeff Foxworthy credit: he doesn't mind deprecation, especially self-deprecation. The man who coined the phrase "You might be a redneck, if...." and hosted "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" is getting set for some more deprecatory comments, even from some of his own fans.

Even without knowing much about the exact format of the program, The American Bible Challenge, it doesn't take a fifth grader to sense that the show will produce some very embarrassing, unintended moments.

From Punchline Magazine:

Part of the show will be centered around the contestant’s home lives, as the network explained their personal stories will be shared with the audience. Contestants will form teams and will represent “worthy faith-based organizations,” to which all cash won will go, according to GSN. The show pilot is scheduled to shoot later this month.

Foxworthy has promised to "to present the Bible in a fun and entertaining way."

That was done by pop historian Kenneth C. Davis in his book "Don't Know Much About The Bible."* It didn't go over well with Fundamentalists.

KJV, NIV or PPP (Pure Pulpit Pimp)?

So which version of the Bible will Foxworthy use for his questions? If he doesn't use the King James Version, he's going to rile some people. Then again, saying all those "thees" "thous" "sayeths" and "begats" will make for more archaic-sounding buffoonery.

Foxworthy will also be walking a fine line in other areas: will interpretation have anything to do with the questions? Will the Bible be presented as absolute fact? Will he skirt socio-political issues such as homosexuality? Will he lean towards the David Barton history and mindset of EVERYTHING being set in the Bible? How Dominionist will he get? More pertinent: will the contestants be culled from our most visible Christian Right leaders? Can you imagine:

JF: "The Old Testament mentions the Witch of Endor. Where is Endor?"
Cindy Jacobs: "Was it shaped like a dragon?"
Pat Robertson: "I don't know, but I think it signed a pact with the devil."

JF: What was the sin of Sodom?
Bryan Fischer: Making the first homosexuals, therefore the first N*zis.
Tony Perkins: Homosexual activists forced Lot's daughters to become lesbians.

JF: How many wives did King Solomon Have?
Robert Jeffress: I don't know, but he was definitely not a member of the Mormon cult.

Michelle Duggars: A lot! He must have had a zillion kids!

JF: Did God want the Israelites to slay all the Amelekites?
Ann Coulter: He only wanted them to slay their leaders and convert them to Christianity.
Sean Hannity: He didn't want to slay them at all, only waterboard them.

Other guests might include Chuck Norris, David Barton, Stephen Baldwin, Victoria Jackson, Michele Bachmann, Tim Tebow, Linda Harvey, Kirk Cameron, Rick Perry, Bishop Eddie Long... and anyone Southern Baptist. The possibilities are endless.

Unfortunately, they might be much more interesting than the people Foxworthy considers sincere and knowledgeable, turning American Bible Challenge into one boring romp, a forum devoid of meaning...or entertainment.




*I highly recommend this book for the simple reason that it brings out all the discrepancies. Some of Davis' historical standpoints have been challenged, but the fact remains that Fundamentalists and Evangelicals hate him for calling them out. E.G.: there are TWO creations, the New Testament was not written by Matthew Mark, Luke and John and God couldn't seem to get his Son's birthday right.

Maybe Cindy Jacobs Had Something To Do With It

I thankfully did not know this morning, that one of my lousier days awaited me. If I did, I never would gotten out of bed.

It started with a computer glitch – one that wiped out all of my daily spreadsheets in an instant, sent them off into the ether never to return no matter how I begged and cajoled my laptop.

I also screamed.

I then tried to console myself with my beautiful ocean view. It was beautifully clear – almost unnaturally so, and I decided to take a picture of a small white craft heading toward the Golden Gate. It looked so alone yet peaceful.

After turning it on, the camera’s screen went black. The lens and its focus must have joined my spreadsheet in the ether. I panicked, seeing as how I couldn’t afford a new one.

I picked up my morning’s pieces, put them aside and concentrated on my schedule: pick up my overdue paperwork for Project Open Hand from my doctor’s office (I really need to get groceries - no paperwork, no groceries), go to a urologist for the results of some tests, go to Open Hand, then to Best Buy to return a godawful boombox, hopefully to put the return toward a camera on sale, shop at Safeway for a special dinner I was making tomorrow, go to Superstar Video to pick up a movie I had special ordered three months ago, then have coffee (just coffee) with a new internet date – a beautiful man who billed himself as “stallion.”

But of course, the horrendous excuse we have for a transit system, MUNI, decided to make the day worse. Much worse.

I panted as I came into the doctor’s office. The paperwork had not been filled out, I was told. Please wait. “About four minutes,” I said. Ten minutes later, I was handed the paperwork and I raced my next appointment. The crawl of MUNI took it’s toll on me and I frantically phoned the urologist’s office to tell them I’d be 10 minutes late.

I was 25 minutes late.

“OK, just tell me straight, biopsy or no biopsy?”

“Biopsy,” he said. Despite antibiotics, my PSA levels not only staid the same, they actually went up!

“How long for the biopsy appointment?”

“As soon as you want. How about a week?”

I didn’t ask how long the results would take. The possibility of prostate cancer was too  eminent. He told me to discount the 20% possibility and not think of it at all. Right. He couldn’t even understand why I seemed so stressed out. I blurted out  a computer-camera-MUNI-must-get-to-Open-Hand-before-it-closes line before I zoomed out the door.

The urologist’s office was next to St. Mary’s Hospital so, of course, there at the bus stop was an ambulance blocking the MUNI lane.

I got on a belated bus, and sprinted four blocks – and arrived at Open Hand 8 minutes after it had closed. 

I then walked to Best Buy (about 1 mile), proceeded to pick out a great buy on a camera and then was told by the check out clerk that I would have to go to Customer Service to process my return. The line for Customer Service looked like it stretched to China and I knew I couldn’t possible make my date if it stayed.

I put the camera down and walked another mile (no direct MUNI service) to my date.

He really was tall and beautiful, friendly and animated. Then he told me about his Valentine’s Day and revealed a nice silver bracelet.

“My boyfriend gave me this as kind of a lavalier kind of thing and I have to tell you that we’ve decided to try to be monogamous.”

The stallion turned into a nice, pet-able pony.  My caregiver side wished him all the best. I won’t tell you what the rest of me wanted to do.

I went to Safeway, then Best Buy and picked up the video.

I got home at 9:00PM.

I’ve just finished making crème brulee for tomorrow and eating my dinner. It is now midnight.

The Curse Of The Prophetess

I can’t help but think that “propethess” Cindy Jacobs, Cindy, Japan-is-shaped-like-a-dragon Jacobs, had something to do with this day. The video I had picked up was…porn. No, IT wasn’t cursed. I was cursed, because by some weird stretch of the imagination, Jacobs had put a curse on me just for being who I am. Does that make sense? Kinda.

Because when you write about the machinations of the Christian Right (especially the more lunatic fringe), you develop a sense that it will do anything, from voodoo to imprecatory prayers to make your life miserable. It’s not guilt. I’ve done nothing to be guilty about. But the sense that somehow I have upset their machinations, their plans, their “prophecies” creeps up on me once in a while, a I shiver to think of what would happen if they knew my space, where I existed, where I lived and loved.

And somehow, Jacobs found out. Or someone like Jacobs. Maybe Lou Engle. He’s always been railing against gays as “those people who embrace the darkness” (just before, of course, the ubiquitous “but we must love them.”).

OK. Probably my wild imagination.

Oh, I should also tell you that I’m writing this in WORD. For some inexplicable reason, my internet connection has been lost.

To Be Continued. Maybe.

Prophesying On This Crazy, Vicious, And Stupid Election Year: What To Expect In Religion, Politics and The Country's Top 21 CR Wingnuts!

"MITT ROMNEY IS NOT RUNNING FOR 'PASTOR-IN-CHIEF'" says Franklin Graham. 


But Rick Santorum IS running as the "Jesus Candidate". 


There are approximately 295 days left of this election year and the batsh*ttery has only begun to take place. It's going to be a free-for-all of Dominionism, self-righteousness, mud-slinging, blatant bigotry, homophobia, anti-Catholicism, anti-Mormonism, with a slew of fake miracles thrown in for good measure.


The reason? The zealotry of today's "Social Conservatives" (Christian Right or CR) knows no bounds. In a time when separation of Church and State may be needed more than ever, they are furiously trying to break down the wall and establish itself as the only religious authority in America. And while the panoply of Right Wingnuts is not without its secular side,* the economy, jobs, immigration, the environment and foreign policy may end up taking back seats to social issues such as abortion, same-sex marriage and All American Muslim. "To hell with immigration, what about homosexual indoctrination in schools disguised as anti-bullying programs?" "Why talk about war with Iran, when we have sharia law creeping up on us throughout the country?"


They know their power, but they also know that power must be unified: last Friday (Jan. 13 - an ominous date to be sure) some 150 leaders met in Brenham, Texas to discuss just that. The  luminaries included Tony Perkins (Family Reasearch Council), James Dobson (Focus on the Family), Don Wildmon (American Family Association) and Gary Bauer (American Values).  It was initially suspected that this gathering would decide which presidential GOP candidate they should completely support and which ones they should "request" to step down. The results: Santorum is the one. But wait! They've asked neither Gingrich nor Perry to step down! A closer look at the players in this game reveals that not all of the Christian Right are willing to back Santorum unconditionally. Big players like Jim Garlow (see below) are still backing Gingrich. Who's backing Perry? Bryan Fischer (shudder).


Onward CR Soldier


Today, when it comes to religio-political strategies it's safe to say that fortitude is the name of the game: no matter what South Carolina** brings, everyone has to forge through Super Tuesday and beyond. Schemes have to be laid and ads have to be placed so that issues are kept fresh in the minds of the voters all the way up to the election, no matter who wins the nomination. The primary war strategy is to "get Obama at all costs" while the secondary strategy is to "vote with 'Christian' values." 


Fortitude. Determination. Ruthlessness. Viciousness. Self-Righteousness. Craziness. Stupidity. They'll all build exponentially, because on top of everything else there are the statewide and local issues at stake: some states have propositions for same-sex marriage, while others have more immigration regulations, repeals of "liberal" laws, and recalls of judges and politicians.


It will be a wonder that anyone is left standing after Nov. 6. And for those of us who will be, we'll need to pinch ourselves to make sure it wasn't a a bizarre dream.


The Top Twenty-one


In the realm of the Christian Right, there are more wingnuts than there are stars in the heavens, so I've tried to whittle the count down to a few who we will be seeing throughout the rest of this ungodly season. 

David Barton. David Barton will keep steamrolling through history and twisting Thomas Jefferson into a Gordian Knot. In his book, The Jefferson Lies, Barton tries to posit an evangelical Jefferson - a fact which in itself is a lie. In a sense, Barton has been given the scepter of King Of The Dominionists. And for good reason: not only does he continue to bear false witness against the likes ot Thomas Jefferson et al, but he drones on and on about how America MUST be a Christian nation. Actually, the impetus of his thought leads to: Christian ONLY nation. Although he has neither a degree in history, nor one in theology or a masters of divinity, he now dictates which aspects of American life are biblical or non-biblical.


The unfortunate thing about Barton is that people actual eat up his hubris, making the liar that much more of a celebrity. Trust Barton to weigh in on every candidate. This year, he will analyze our political process every biblical step of the way... with any amount of (fake) authority he can muster.

Gary Bauer. Possibly the oldest and most experienced in the religio-political scene, Bauer, like Pat Robertson, ran for President. Unlike Robertson, he is not senile nor is he prone to make outrageous statements concerning Haiti. He is endorsing Rick Santorum whom he hopes will be able to unify the Christian Right.

“It’s going to be a particularly bitter, nasty general election. That’s what the White House is signaling with the class warfare rhetoric,” Mr. Bauer said in an interview Saturday. “In an election like that, you want the base of your party to be on fire for the candidate.”

"On fire" for a sweater vest? Bauer postulates that Santorum can identify with working and middle classes.
It remains to be seen as to whether or not the working and middle classes will feel comfortable with such righteousness. Warning to Bauer: Santorum's income and lifestyle is far from middle class.


Glen Beck. Yes, Beck's still around. He's cocooned in Texas, to be sure, safe and secure amongst the Rick Perrys and Robert Jeffresses and swinging without a care in a hammock made of money. Or in bed with one of his numerous injuries. From all appearances, however, he took most of his viewers/listeners with him: his GBTV venture employs over 100 people and rakes in approx. $20 million. Two new shows are scheduled for Jan. 18th (wonder why?). Beck boasts that his media empire will become larger than Oprah's. He may well be following in Oprah's footsteps, since his waistline seems to be expanding along with it.

So Beck is not to be discounted this election year: his FOX die-hards still number in the millions and his franchises ("news" website The Blaze, MercuryRadioArts.com and a number of books) still hold sway in the political scene. His interview with Gingrich, while respectful, was searching enough to put Gingrich on the defense. With Bachmann out of the running (he endorsed her), whither will Beck fly? The endorsement may go grudgingly to Gingrich.

Ann Coulter. If Ann Coulter becomes another mascot to an organization (just as she did to GoProud), she'll start getting free hay from equine societies everywhere. In order to schedule her diatribes, just find out when her next book is coming out and she'll be on the talk show circuit telling everyone how much she loves herself.


As far as religion is concerned, the best comment so far, comes from the inimitable Betty Bowers (Landover Baptist Church - a parody) and her review of Ann Coulter's Godless, The Church of Liberalism in America:

Let's be honest: Reading a book about religion from Ann Coulter is tantamount to reading a book about dieting from Michael Moore. After all, who wants to be lectured about not being Christian enough by an almost-50 year-old boozehound in a black leather miniskirt who has never been married? Count me as having a healthy skepticism over whether Miss Coulter has saved herself for marriage.

Coulter(geist) will no doubt back Romney, but not without getting in a few digs about his Mormonism, expounding on the talk show circuit as to whether or not he wears magic underpants.


The Duggars. The classical composer Johan Sebastian Bach had thirteen children. And from all accounts, they were all very talented in music. The Duggar family has nineteen children, and they all play musical instruments. Perhaps they're trying to outdo Bach, but the only real talent they have is for promoting "purity" in the face of unbridled baby-making. Adherents of the The Quiver-Full movement (God wants you to have as many kids as possible), they are a peon to family values and to The Sound of Music.


They have used their reality show persona to endorse Rick Santorum. BFD you say? Unfortunately, to the die-hard "family values" crowd, it is. And there are plenty of those around to make trouble. Just ask Tony Perkins. Look for them at churches and shopping malls everywhere.

Lou Engle. If Lou Engle doesn't support Newt Gingrich, there may be some bad blood between them in the future. After all, Engle laid hands on and blessed Gingrich publicly and Gingrich gave whole-hearted support to Engle's The Call. And the matter may not hinge on gay rights so much as how anti-Islam Gingrich is. Engle will do anything to see that Muslims are persecuted (oops, I mean converted) as much as possible.


 From Truth Wins Out:

Although Engle may sound delusional, he has many followers and people must pay attention to what he is preaching. He believes what he says and so do his cult-like minions.”

It's a boon to Gingrich that Engle doesn't believe Deuteronomy 22:22.


Bryan Fischer. The professional hate monger who is nonetheless equitable in his radio broadcasts - he hates everyone - will keep on heaping his disdain on Obama, gays, single black women, Native Americans and people who don't pay their county fire protection assessment fee.* He will be a good monitor, however, in finding out just how far right politicians will lean: if they're on his show, they will no doubt feel free to exercise their right of free speech by appearing to be as wingnutty as possible (as Huckabee did with the "birther issue"). For Fischer's choice, however, it's Rick Perry, because Santorum has a weak "infrastrusture" and Gingrich:

Newt Gingrich is fatally flawed and bleeding from too many self-inflicted wounds, including morphing into Michael Moore in his attacks on free enterprise.

So when Perry eventually withdraws from the race, there will be a great gnashing of teeth and rending of garments in Fischer's studio.


Jim Garlow. Garlow penned an extremely long and involved letter on why he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. The upshot is, of course, that Gingrich, it seems, is the one to play the strongest hand in regaining "religious freedom." By that, of course, Garlow means religious authority. Garlow looks upon himself as a pragmatic religious politico by noting that if Romney wins the nomination, he will support Romney - with reservations. It seems that Romney's flip-flopping on major issues makes him somewhat untrustworthy. Garlow's merely playing on the suspicions of the rest of the country, which makes Garlow himself seem worthy of suspicion.


Jim Garlow has been a guiding light to all things religio-political: he walks hand-in-hand with Alliance Defense Fund and it's "Pulpit Initiative", daring pastors to endorse candidates and risk losing their tax-exempt status.


Look to Garlow to follow the campaign trails all the way to November. His steadfastness and consistency regarding social issues will certainly do more to bolster the cause of Dominionism than anything else.


Newt Gingrich.  As of Jan. 12th , Gingrich has received an endorsement from Tim LaHaye, the "Rapture Man" (Left Behind series). While the current scene has Gingrich battling Romney with attack ads, the real battle may be between Gingrich and Santorum in trying to garner support from people like LaHaye. Santorum may have the Duggars, but Gingrich is hot on his heels after all of his (Gingrich's) mea culpas regarding his personal affairs. Concerning South Carolina, Gingrich describes him self as a "Georgia Reagan conservative," but Reagan didn't pander to the CR that much simply because, at the time, it wasn't considered a voting block. 


Gingrich was a busy boy that same day because he joined a conference call with Pastor Jim Garlow (see above), Tim Wildmon (American Family Association) and George Barna (Christian Right pollster). During the call, Gingrich took up the familiar (but fictional) rallying cry of church groups losing funding because of perceived "hate crimes" (e.g. refusing to allow same-sex couple adopt).


The Gingrich camp is also exhibiting an enormous amount of chutzpah (or stupidity) since Matt Staver (co-chair of Gingrich's Faith Leader's Coalition) has announced that he will moderate a presidential candidate forum in Florida 3 days before the Florida Primary. So who besides Gingrich will show up?

Franklin Graham. The hard-core evangelist, Franklin Graham, forges into politics in a less ballsy way than most of today's CR wingnuts, but make no mistake: the neighbor of Sarah Palin and friend of Donald Trump knows that his endorsement carries weight.  


Which is why a number of evangelicals are very angry at Graham: by endorsing Romney, he has put a huge dent into the CR's attempt at unification against Romney and his Mormonism. "He's not running for Pastor-in-Chief" came as a shock to people who viewed Graham as fringe Right and excessive in his hard line stances against abortion and homosexuality, therefore against a "cult" like Mormonism. It was as if Graham patched up the wall of separation between church and state. 


It just might be that Franklin Graham is laughing his ass off. 


Linda Harvey.Every day, Linda Harvey gets to look more like Leona Helmsley and gets to sound like, well, Linda Harvey. She is so far out there as homophobes go, that the only parties she goes to are ones hosted by Bryan Fischer. He must be her only friend.


Harvey (founder of Mission America and host of a radio talk show) is so virulently homophobic that she warns parents against gay doctors and other health care workers:

"...Select your pediatrician very carefully... you may want to consider writing a letter that you file with your pediatrician that should your child ever be hospitalized, you do not want your child to be treated or cared for by one of these members of the Children’s Hospital gay employees group except in the case of an emergency situation."
Harvey has even gone so far as to say that gays do not really exist - only the "lifestyle" does. And, like Fischer, she has compared homosexuals to Naz*s. As inferred by her website, Harvey takes her political stances from Tony Perkins and The Family Research Council, so she is pro-Santorum and Perry, luke-warm on Gingrich and definitely against Paul and Romney. Look for her to be telling everyone who to vote for according to how homophobic he is.

"Bishop" Harry Jackson. "Gays and liberal Christians are enemies of God and deserve to be struck down."


Jackson seems to anticipate violence., which is natural, since he resembles a vanguard in the black separatist movement.: his concentration on African Americans as "spiritually superior" beings has garnered the attention of the Southern Poverty Law Center in a special Intelligence Report. Jackson is also an avowed anti-Catholic, who believes that the "Queen of Heaven" is a satanic force bringing about demonic perversions such as gay rights. It isn't confirmed if Jackson has agreed with evangelicals to support Rick Santorum. Then again, it isn't confirmed that Santorum would denounce the Virgin Mary.


Cindy Jacobs. What can't be said about Cindy "Japan-is-shaped-like-a dragon" Jacobs? Every time she speaks, Pentecostals shiver in mortification and when she is (almost) lucid, she spouts stories of miracles she has performed, but conveniently forgotten to document. It's amazing that the woman gets away with such flat-out fakery. She proves, however, that some people will believe anything if it is said as "prophecy."

Jacobs' fear-mongering is as ferocious as her wardrobe:

Do not be intimidated by these attacks and you will win. The church will find her voice. The liberal media will particularly come against those who are pro-life and pro-biblical defense of marriage. Hate crimes will be tolerated and called acts of justice.

Along with Lou Engle, her rhetoric is so militaristic and violent that it is hard to dismiss. The fact that no overt violence has been attributed to her public utterances merely means that while she appears stupid in almost every regard, she's very savvy about covering her ass. Some day, however...

Robert Jeffress. It doesn't matter how many good deeds you do, if you don't follow Robert Jeffress' take on grace, you'll go to hell. He's also stated that the First Amendment will invite the wrath of God:

Although our Constitution grants every citizen the right to worship or not worship any god he chooses, that right in no way changes God’s attitude toward idolatry. God does not change. Any nation that chooses to publicly renounce the true God in order to embrace and elevate other gods is going to face God’s judgment. That is what the Word of God says. 

Of course, since Jeffress called Mormonism a "cult" it is not surprising that he thinks we ought to do away with other religions in the country altogether. His is probably the most forthright stance for the "convert or die" movement spurred on by Reconstructionism.   

Rick Joyner. This man rose to prominence when he declared that he had be taken to heaven by Jesus and saw all the apostles in weird positions. He couldn't name them (or any of the positions either). Be that as it may, his MorningStar Ministries wound up purchasing part of the ailing Heritage U.S.A. Christian theme park (with a baptismal water slide!) from Jerry Falwell after the disgrace and indictment of Jim Bakker, the original builder. Problems with the park have lingered on and the latest information has Joyner's ministry struggling to develop it in the face of neighborhood opposition.


Joyner's more newsworthy pronouncements include: the prophecy that the Japan earthquake would unleash demonic naz*sm in America. Among his other achievements, Joyner was also appointed a Knight of Malta, an organization so mysterious and convoluted in its history that only he could see the advantage of it.


Tony Perkins. The head of the Family Research Council may propose that the CR consider forming a third party, and if Santorum pulls out, Perkins might just take up the gauntlet by insisting that Santorum be the one to show its power. I hear a loud collective "WTF?" Why? Disappointment and division have always been the enemies of the CR during election years. Unification - even behind a third-party-couldn't-possibly-win candidate - would show the rest of the country who's boss and reiterating to the GOP just how much it needs the CR vote. Of course, this reasoning may be weak, but the righteous arrogance of the CR is not to be underestimated.

Perkins' big push of late has been to keep the "acceptance" of homosexuality at bay in the nations' classrooms by seeing that anti-bullying bills are really pro-bullying bills (for religious reasons, of course). Perkins must absolutely adore Santorum! And I wouldn't I wouldn't put it past him to put a burning cross on Dan Savage's front lawn.

Janet Porter. Janet Porter is a "heartbeat" away from getting her own way in some states: her crusade against abortion and the theory that human life begins once a "heartbeat" is discovered has gained ground in some states. Eschewing other social issues (like gay rights), Porter has been successful in pushing her blatantly Dominionist agenda through. She has a problem with being labeled a Dominionist, though, because VCY media dropped her program, labeling it "Dominionist." She actually has called for the overthrow of the government (in front of the Lincoln Memorial no less). She has also called Obama a Soviet Agent.


Porter claims she is not a theocrat. Right. Her calls to prayer will become more frequent and frantic as the election approaches. She is a known adversary of Romney, so if Mitt wins the nomination, watch her go into a frantic mode, barreling through state houses of Congress with ultrasound equipment and pregnant women.

Ralph Reed. Mr. "body bag" Reed* has toned down his rhetoric and opted to put all of his efforts behind his organization Faith and Freedom Coalition. He all-but-endorsed Romney in his last statements about South Carolina. Reed's probably the most practical one of the Christian Right (besides giving Rick Warren a run for his money in the secret/sinister department) and all he sees is the defeat of Obama. FFC can certainly bide its time until that day comes, then...

Pat Robertson. Although Robertson's political swan song occurred many years ago, it seems he will never give up the title of chief moralizing moron. Trust him to make pronouncements (from his "talks" with God, of course) that will be tactless and totally out-of-whack with reality. Perhaps his only real power lies in the over 150 legal eagles (more like vultures - courtesy of Robertson's Regent University Law School) he planted in government during the Bush administration. He's also dangerous in that he can distract the country from the real hard core religionists trying to gain ground.


Rick Santorum. It is well known that if anything puts the kibosh on Santorum's campaign, it's his own self-righteousness. But one thing's for sure: his campaign won't be over until the Christian Right says it's over. Even  defeat in some primaries won't loosen the stranglehold they have on him. As I said above, he may consider some states too important to quit, certainly before Super Tuesday. But even if he does, you can be sure that he will remain in the news throughout the entire election process/period. His endorsement of Perry or Gingrich will certainly have some weight. Which brings to mind: will Santorum make like Bob Vander Plaats and charge "promotional fees" for the endorsement?


C. Peter Wagner. Wagner likes smashing up things - like Native American religious symbols and artifacts. Wagner's New Apostolic Reformation will prove to be a detriment to Santorum's campaign simply because of the NAR's extreme anti-Catholicism stance (the Virgin Mary is a "demonic idol"). Cindy Jacobs is an "apostle" and the whole thing smells of lunatic fringe. But make no mistake, their rhetoric can harm people and they hate Obama enough that they might just set aside their anti-Catholic feelings to push through ANYONE who is a "Jesus" candidate.


The Chaotic Hilarity Of It All.


So in the next ten months we'll be feted and excoriated by a fractious group of people who tell us that the country will go immediately to hell if Obama is re-elected. They will tout disasters as warnings. They will hold prayer rallies in front of Capitol buildings and in front of mosques. They will bombard the airwaves with attack ads littered with dubious (or totally fake) research. They will constantly vilify Obama while insisting that there is no such thing as separation of Church and state. They will fill their events with imprecatory prayers (e.g. praying for failure or outright destruction of Obama's programs and even Obama himself). They will caucus endlessly in attempts at unification. They will resort to fictional miracles. They will keep on having children to underscore pro-life advocacy. They will invoke the Creator millions of times and debate as to whom God really called him to lead

Considering the vitriol and rancor these wingnuts have against Obama, liberals, gays, Muslims, and everyone not in tune with their theologies, it a wonder we can look at them and not be extremely fearful ...through our laughter.


But laugh we must.


I am mindful of the time I served as a client intake volunteer for the AIDS Emergency Fund (during the worst years of the epidemic). One very ill client I encountered was the most jovial young man, so much so that I asked him why he was joking so much about everything. "I have a group of friends who have AIDS,"he answered" and we've all agreed that if we can't laugh at this sh*t we might as well be dead!"


Also, like Mark Twain said,


 "Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."

*Ron Paul has some problems which border on the ludicrous, like not getting his stories straight about his newsletters. Mitt Romney's "Bain" problem promises to produce some comedy as well.
** Poor South Carolina: the pressure and mayhem in the coming weeks would make anyone want to move out of the state. Added to which Rick Perry's prayer rally, The Response, is actually playing again in SC just two days before the primary.
*** As a description of his political tactics, Reed once said "You don't know it's over until you're in the body bag. You don't know until election night." Reed has since then tried to tone down this image.

Serenity Amidst Chaos: Keeping It Alive.

That's what we all strive for, I guess.


I took a stroll around Lake Merced - for the first time since I've moved here. I set aside the thoughts of the day: Rick Santorum's win in Iowa, Cindy Jacobs' fake miracles, the unabashed righteous arrogance of the Christian Right, the political circus yet to come. 


The good and the bad of living in SF's Park Merced: it's remoteness. Cabs won't come here. MUNI's M line is the pits and really the only thing out here transit-wise. Some long time residents of SF don't even know where it is. They think it's in Oakland. But the serenity of Lake Merced is awesome and exactly a twenty-two minute walk from my apartment. 


Even though I fought too hard to keep my apartment here, there are times that I wonder: why? 


Thank God for my stroll.