Tuesday, May 13, 2008

What Do You Want For Your Birthday, Stephen Colbert? How About Secretary of State?

Or might that be closer to a Christmas Present?

Happy Birthday Stephen

Dear Stephen:
Like your grandmother, Claudette, you have a way of coaxing things out of the American public (her portrayal in It Happened One Night helped get the shirt off Clark Gable). Why, she was the ORIGINAL Cleopatra! (Well, at least according to Cecil B. deMille - who really was God!).

You've captured the true American spirit (whatever that is) and you've become a beacon.

If our nation can't have you to lead the nation, then you should do us the honor of at least taking up the rear as Secretary of State. You could repair 8 years of undiplomacy by reminding the world that we stopped killing injuns years ago and that tourists can no longer see the actual Salem witchcraft burnings. (Truthfully, though, they did draw a big crowd. Could we transfer them to Crawford, Texas?). You could really make our homeland inviting to dignitaries by insisting they wear protective masks and mobile GPSs to help them stay away from Dick Cheney or Halliburton (which is which?).

We know how swiftly and determinatedly you would act on today's current crises: you would swiftly quiet the rumors about quieting the rumors surrounding Iraq's current administration of corruption. And you would FORCE Myanmar or Burma or whatever to take the U.S.'s generous offer of 12,000 tons of nutritious Hostess Twinkies (some even deep-fried!). You might even come up with a brilliant idea like, well, "If they provide the land, we'll provide the McDonalds." Generous, yet so, so American! And your "campaign master" efforts (shown below) on behalf of Barack Obama to keep him and Rev. Jeremiah Wright in the news 24/7.

Yes, we wish you could bring the U.S. out of its diplomatic malaise. Please do it for the country, if not for yourself!

On this your day of days, we would also like to congratulate your being well hung...in the National Gallery, that is. We just found out about it (after we found out about the discontinuation of the witchcraft trials). So here, for your birthday, is a photo of that esteemed painting and a photo of the throng of people taking a picture of the picture (notice that Washington's portrait in the background has no one taking its picture!)
Happy Birthday, Stephen Colbert!
Rev. Wright and ....GRANNY!