Monday, January 7, 2008

God Hates Fatties! Hop Aboard the "Biblical" Hallelujah Diet!

In the world of religion, it's now
The Crass vs The Ass

Fred Phelps must be penning new picket signs. He has "God Hates America!" and "God Hates Fags!" Now he can add "God Hates Fatties!" It seems that, under our very noses for the good part of three thousand years, God had given us all the only "biblically" correct way to lose weight! Read more about it here.

The Hallelujah Diet will:

1. Curb your craving for meat and potatoes (not to mention demon rum and members of the same sex).
2. Help you look so much sexier (outside of church, of course).
3. Turn you into a vegetable (oops, that's vegetarian).
4. Make you realize that Colonel Sanders was the real Anti-Christ.
5. Close all the sushi bars in New York (OMG!)

Here are the words of God on what you should be eating:

“And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat [food].” – Genesis 1:29

Well, there you have it: from God's mouth to your stomach!

Forget all of those animal sacrifices. (God had hoped you would burn all the meaty creatures at the same time, but, no, stupid man had to do it slowly - one at a time. Too slow to eradicate them!) Forget all those pascal lambs, cattle and goats that gave you your own fatted calves. The Chosen People ate them and look what happened! Pigs were just a metaphor for everything that didn't look like a healthy salad.


Look past the diet and into the Lifestlyle Centers. Notice anything? "Health Ministers?""The hands-on training" Look at The "Hallelujah Acres Medical Clinic" with the requisite cancer patient holding a teddy bear. Note the free seminar: "God's Way to Ultimate Health" hosted by Reverand George Malkmus.

Yes, they're slick. Slick but still crass. This must be what 21st century snake oil looks like. Can practicing Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and atheists take advantage of all these offers to better health? Or must they wear the ultimate badge: ugly fat?

I've emailed a question to Hallelujah Acres asking them if the Lifestyle Centers will accept gay couples.

I don't think they'll answer.