...There Is No Honorable Way Out For Cheney*
April 30, 2008
Today marks the 63rd anniversary of Hitler's death. Actually his and Eva von Braun's suicides. There have been many suicides done to avoid facing disgrace: one Gospel account says that Judas hung himself. Cleopatra embraced an asp. The tradition of Hara Kiri in Japan is very old. And while many religions today preach that suicide is a sin, there many famous (an infamous) people who committed suicide: Among the famous who have taken their own lives are Boudicca (Queen of the Iceni in Britain), Brutus, Mark Antony, Cleopatra, Hannibal, Nero, Virginia Woolf, Sadeq Hedayat, Sigmund Freud, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, Ernest Hemingway, Alan Turing, Sylvia Plath, Marina Tsvetaeva, Yukio Mishima, Hunter S. Thompson, Ludwig Boltzmann, Kurt Cobain, and Vincent van Gogh.
Think, Mr. Bush! Think! How, you ask, should it be done? Here are some classic ways:
- Bullet to the head or in the mouth. Someone just has to tell you: “It’s just licorice, George. But pull the trigger and you’ll get a mouthful of bourbon!"
- Falling on a sword – very showy and classy. And, like any lame duck President, it takes someone else to clean up the mess.
- Hanging – not very pretty, and besides, it turns you a sickly blue. Not the kind of color you want, being a Republican and all.
- Poison – if hemlock was good enough for Socrates, it’s certainly good enough for you!
- Falling in front of a moving vehicle, most effectively a train. Cars don’t count, because 4 out of 5 drivers may want to kill you anyway, but with your luck, you'd be getting that 5th driver again and again.
- Jumping out of a window – no, George, not out of a basement window!
As for Vice President Dick Cheney, he's a little more difficult to convince. He's way too busy shooting other people to shoot himself. And he knows guns too. Just look at the way he handled the one given to him by the National Rifle Association:
He's also too tough to be strangled, poisoned or run over by a train. I suppose he could nuke himself, but that would endanger too many of his corporations (supporters) with fallout.
So I guess it's up to you, George, to do the honorable thing.
Think of the Alternative!