Monday, February 4, 2008

"Born Again Barbie" Wants to Settle Down - Not with Ken, but Tony Perkins!!

If Tony Perkins' wife, Lawana, doesn't look like this,
their 21-year-old-marriage might be in trouble!

The astoundingly beautiful lady to the left is Barbara Millicent Roberts, aka Barbie. She was born in March, 1959 (yes, she certainly looks good for her 49 years!). Her mother was Ruth Handler and her father was believed to be the CEO of Mattel, the world's largest and most influential toy manufacturer/public relations company. Her measurements are an unbelievable 36-18-33 (a bit like Scarlett O'Hara's). Her worldwide celebrity has resulted in her likeness being sold two times per second!

Ms Roberts has led a glamorous and peripatetic lifestyle: she has had over 80 careers and has even run for President (then again, hasn't everyone?). Her long-time boyfriend, Ken, was not able to keep up with Barbie's celebrity and the two broke up several years ago. Her wardrobe is not to be believed! Rumor has it, however, that despite all that glitz and glamour this jetset icon now wants desperately to settle down. And since Barbie never settles for the mundane, she has set her sights on the one person who's middle name is "family": Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.

And what of the erstwhile Ken?

In an interview with the beloved lady, Barbie told the press that Ken has been denounced as a sinister mole for the homosexual agenda. "He used me," she said simply. "I need a family and God. Not in that order, of course, but I want to be Tony Perkins' little wifey! I know God will approve, even if Tony's wife, Lackawana (sic) won't."

Mr. Perkins had no comment. This is not surprising since in his milieu, divorce is one family factor a good Christian does not discuss. Then there's the imprimatur of the Vatican; not the one in Rome, but the one in Colorado Springs: would his holiness, Dobson I, approve? Perkins may also be afraid that marriage to a megastar would prove very difficult: would FRC be able to raise enough in donations to pay for Barbie's spectacular array of outfits? Could he continue to be a chaste and devout Christian husband? Would Born Again Barbie be Christian enough - or, at least, sell to the American Christian market? Or would they both spiral down to become what most of Perkins' constituency really is. Here's actual police footage of an event in the life of a "has-been" Barbie:

Only time will tell!