Monday, November 19, 2012

Q.: What Would The Holy Republic of Christianland Look Like? A: A Lot Like Texas.

And it would certainly save the rest of us from the "We're-So-Persecuted" bunch.

Over 50,000 people have signed petitions to secede from the Union. Good. Great! FANTASTIC! Just think of what the United States wouldn't be burdened with any longer: Hell Houses. And no more Patriot Movement, no gay teen suicides, no more misogyny, no more Islamophobia. Neither would there be any SPLC or ACLU, since they wouldn't be necessary. And no more Newt Gingrichs, Karl Roves, Mike Huckabees, Bryan Fischers, Tony Perkinses, Michele Bachmanns, Ann Coultergeists, Michele Malkins or Franklin Grahams. 

And no more Glen Becks.

Instead, there would be absolute "from" freedoms: from religion, from proselytizing, from intolerance, from righteous arrogance, from bigotry, from misogyny, and from all the social phobias. And "to" freedoms: to marry and  to say "Happy Holidays". Why, America could get to work at being a truly wonderful nation dedicated to love and peace.

Hey, we can dream, can't we?

The recent spate of petitions and buzz about secession can be clearly seen in this interactive geopolitical map. And it's not surprising as to where most of it is concentrated: Texas The state that has always had elephantiasis of the ego is the state that has toyed with the idea of secession for over a hundred years. It is the epitome of Barack Obama's "guns and Bibles" set, a place where Gary Cass ("You can't be a Christian and don't own a gun.") would feel more than safe and comfortable. It is a place that cheers it's record of executions. It is a place where megachurches and Fundamentalist theology rule, largely through a governor who calls together strictly Christian prayer rallies. 

Ten days ago, opining on the differences of the electorate (Obama being demonspawn, of course), Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association suggested that a wall be built between socially conservative (Christian Right) America and the rest of country. He also suggested that people would be digging tunnels under the wall trying to get to "our" side, being, of course, more prosperous - and righteous. 


What Would Christianland Look Like?

If Texas and its far Right minions seceded from the United States of America, it would, of course, be the dream of David Barton: it would be a "Christian ONLY Nation." The term "Christian" would have difficulty in definition and there would be in-fighting among people like Catholic bishops, John (Rome is the whore of Babylon") Hagee, and Cindy Jacobs (who goes around smashing statues of Catholic saints). Pat Robertson, who said that he didn't have to be nice to Methodists and Episcopalians ("spirit of the Anti-Christ") might have difficulty living amid non-charismatics, but once the unsavory elements of "True Christianity" have been rooted out, the country might have these demographics and pertinent data:

Ethnicity: 90% White, 8% African-American, 2% Hispanic (well, it does live right next to Mexico)
Christian Denomination: 60% Southern Baptist, 10% Assemblies of God, 10% Pentecostal, 5% Roman Catholic, 15% Non-denominational Bible-Thumper.
Population: 15 million plus the entire Dugger family.
State Bird: Raptor-hawk
State Motto: "In R.J. Rushdooney* We Trust"
Primary exports: oil, guns, Bibles, televangelists and righteous arrogance
Primary Media: Glen Beck, FOX News (w/Mike Hucakbee), World Net Daily, Washington Times (for international/foreign news), Christian Broadcasting Network, Trinity Broadcasting Network.
Chief Institutions of Higher Learning: Regent University, Liberty University, Bob Jones University, Glen Beck University


President:  Rick Perry     Vice President:   Mike Huckabee
Cabinet Members:
Secretary of State: George W. Bush
Secretary Of Defense: Erik Prince (of Blackwater infamy)
Secretary of Education and Home Schooling: David Barton
Secretary of Homeland Security: Chuck Norris
Secretary of Family Values: Tony Perkins
Secretary of Commerce: Mitt Romney (with special dispensation to his Mormonism by Dallas Pastor Robert Jeffress)
Secretary of Religious Affairs: co-Secretaries Cindy Japan-is-shaped-like-a-dragon Jacobs, and San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordeleone
Secretary of Propaganda: Bryan Fischer
Secretary of the Interior: Michele Bachmann
Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff: Pat Robertson

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: Antonin Scalia
Undersecretaries would include: Joel Osteen, Ken Copeland, Rod Parsley, John Hagee, T.D. Jakes, Scott Lively. 

Imagining what a meeting of government's top officers would look like damages the brain, but you have to admit it would make a great sitcom.** 

Seriously. Seriously?

While we can poke fun at the machinations of the Christofascist Right, the matter of secession points out that they have made enough inroads in the country's Great Division to command some fear -  if not respect. In a country that needs unification now more than ever, the big CR is not about to compromise and is best left alone - and far away - to lick its wounds from the election. Separation and isolation can be good things: the CR could be contained and politely asked ... leave the rest of humanity alone.

Just a thought.

*Founder of the Reconstructionist movement and agent provocateur of American theocracy.
** A reality show would too surreal.


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