Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Now You Don't Have To Eat 10,000 Boxes of Crackerjack To Be An Ordained Minister!

Unless You Still Want That Secret Decoder Ring!

WOW! I can become a minister of any faith (or maybe my own cult!) without going through all those tedious and boring seminary classes! All I have to do is to sign up with the Universal Life Church or its (heretical?) offshoot the Universal Life Church Monastery!

As a minister, you can officiate wedding ceremonies, baptisms, and other rituals. You can even start your own ministry. GET ORDAINED NOW. You don't have to purchase anything to gain the legal benefits and respect of being a minister.

We do, however, offer a variety of ministry and wedding ceremony supplies to assist you.

I particularly like the "over 20 million ordained" (sorta like "sold" or "eaten"). It sounds so... ESTABLISHED!

Ever wonder how some "ministers" have gotten that REV. in front their names? "...gain the legal benefits and respect of being a minister." Does REV. automatically elicit R.E.S.P.E.C.T. from you? And even if you've done "homework" for your soul have you ever stopped to question your pastor's credentials? If over 20 million people have been ordained, surely you've run into one of ULCM's graduates. Maybe James Dobson is one. After all, he does have an impressive array of honorary "Doctorates" displayed in the halls of Focus on the Family headquarters (no less than 19!). Maybe one of them is from the illustrious UCLM!

I just wikipedia(ed) T.D. Jakes: no mention of a seminary at all. Not in some of the articles I've read, either.

Ken Copeland - Oral Roberts University (Big F*ckin' Deal - read their catalog and see why)

Creflo Dollar's Doctorate of Divinity is HONORARY ONLY.

Joel Osteen? Oral Roberts (BFD)

Benny Hinn - NOTHING.

As far as these "men of God" taking a scholarly approach to the Bible - good luck! Ask them to name the Fathers of Christianity and they would turn red with embarrassment. Who was St. Augustine? ("Oh, you mean the guy who founded that city in Florida!") Were they given instruction in Bible history? Hebrew? Ancient Greek? Biblical Archeology? Hermeneutics? Theology? Comparative religions? Bible exegesis? Textual criticism? Apologetics? History of Christianity? Canon law? The Apocrypha?

Have they even claimed to have read the WHOLE Bible? Which version? And when they step up to the pulpit, do they even know what the f*ck they're talking about?

So it comes right down to it, do you know if your pastor really knows ANYTHING when he's preaching you, telling you how to live your life? Or is it all "God, God God, Bible, Bible, Bible, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, ungawa, ungawa, ungawa - now I'll call for donations."

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. does not necessarily come with an R.E.V.

However, C.O.N.T.R.O.L does.

Just a thought.

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