Gilligan Wasn't THAT Stupid: How The GOP's Castaways Have Never Looked Sillier

Santorum missed the boat. 


It was bound to happen: someone portraying today's GOP politicos as the cast of Gilligan's Island. They have, after all, been considered clowns, even by Dukes of Hazzard fans. And the parallels are so rich! Come on, you know you can't stop laughing!


The above photo-shopped portrait has hit the ether with a scream and people all over the net are doubling over, reaching for Kleenex, and gasping for breath. It almost makes you sorry for the REAL cast - they never got laughs THIS big!


One of the best ones is Palin as Maryann. Maryann was corn-fed and clueless... and she had "perky pills" for breakfast. If the characters had longer lives, Maryann's daughter would have wound up on Dancing With The Stars. 


Ron Paul as Lovey Howell isn't bad either. Paul may consider himself an outsider, but he's demured to people like Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich more than some people realize. And of all the characters, Lovey's was the most useless: Paul's stances have never swayed the other candidates and since everyone knows he won't win the GOP nomination, there's a fruitlessness about his campaign. He's making a statement, but so what?


Newt as the Skipper demonstrates the burly politics that win over people who bludgeon cats.


Romney's Thurston Howell is apropos because most of Howell's money came with him on the boat. Romney can never shake the image of a rich man who's never really known poverty.

Michele Bachmann's Ginger exudes a contrived beauty. (probably with help from her make-up man, Marcus Bachmann). She floated through her campaign as if in a Hollywood cloud, too enamored of herself to think that anyone would touch her negatively - or her husband. 


Huntsman is intelligent - and pretty to look at, but his character - the professor - was the weakest of all and barely got any laughs. He was too smart for his own good.


The best, of course, is Perry as Gilligan, the blundering goof who didn't know that when the Texas GOP applauded his execution rate, the rest of the world was appalled. "N*ggerhead" and his debate gaffs shot him to the top of  laugh meters. His campaign video "Strong" and his Brokeback Mountain jacket blunder have now become the stuff of  comedy legend. His campaign manager, Joe Allbaugh, let him roll without a laugh track: Perry didn't need one.


You're still laughing, aren't you? Come on! You ARE!


Against The Assault Of Laughter, Nothing Can Stand 


Yes, Mark Twain said it best: laughter can certainly be a wonderful weapon when it comes to any war against politicians and their hypocrisy, for who wants to be on the side of fools? And it's the best medicine for a country that's ill with Koch Brother shenanigans, shady banking maneuvers, 1% mentality, and Citizens United possibilities. 


Of course, since most comedy is actually built upon tragedy, the field of Christian-Right pandering politicians has its dark side. Perhaps that's why Santorum isn't in the picture: laughter could be swept away in an instant WTF? Ginrich's moral mea culpas are funny, Paul's past views are ridiculously inconsistent, Romney's strident attempts to appear common are whimsical, but Santorum's overt moralizing is truly scary. His latest statement to a woman about her son's healthcare* is horrific and strains comedy writers across the country to see anything funny in it. 


But we must keep laughing at the Right's list of leaders, if only to knock them down for their hilarious hubris. 
We must keep laughing because the only thing more nightmare-inducing than the crew and antics of the SS GOP:


RERUNS.


*Santorum recently told a mother to stop whining about her son's million-dollar prescription medicine bill.

Can We Stop Laughing Now? GOP Hypocrisy Campaign Hits New High With Herman Cain and His Campaign Manager Mark Block

The stupidity goes on ...and on...and on... and on...

"No individual, whether a private citizen, a candidate for public office or a public official, should be questioned about his or her private sexual life." - Herman Cain campaign spokeperson (who was presumably sober when he made the statement)

Thumbing your nose at the American public is extremely stupid if you're running for office, and the GOP presidential candidate lineup has been doing just that. 

The primary debates - if you can call them that - have brought out idiocies and ineptitudes to such a degree that the entire GOP looks to be populated with clowns. And not very good clowns either. Oh, they've made us laugh, but along with the laughter, they provoke resentment at being so oblivious to public sensibilities and intelligence. For example, did Rick Perry never think that someone would uncover his "n*ggerhead camp"?* Did Michele Bachmann never put two and two together when it came to one nellie husband running an unlicensed pray-away-the-gay clinic? True, these two candidates are fairly stupid to begin with, but to have their campaigns dole out the stupidity as if it were candy is an insult to Americans.


Then there's Herman Cain, who looks to be the dumbest of the dumb: a corporate Uncle Tom who has frequent lapses of memory and doesn't seem to know anything about countries east, west, north or south of Sandy Springs, Georgia. He's a would-be politician who relies on America's trust: a man who can turn around giant corporations can certainly help the country out of its economic woes, can't he?


The problem with the above idea: America is not a corporation to be trimmed and re-packaged: it's very diverse and has more goals than just making a profit.** It's team of workers has to multi-focus or whole segments of its population will suffer.


So now that fragile trust in Herman Cain has been overshadowed by his pride, his arrogance and ... his stupidity: as he saw opponents like Perry and Bachmann falter by not covering their lives up sufficiently, he should have taken stock of his own life and covered up the accusations of harassment or dealt with them head on. But now that Ginger White has come forth with allegations of a long term affair, dealing with it all has been rendered moot: it's all over but the spin from a campaign that was built on sheer hubris.


And the spin will continue to include inane comments like the one above. Bill Clinton, stop laughing now or you'll hurt yourself!


Mark Block, The Funniest Man In America


Herman Cain's campaign manager is Mark Block, a man whose ineptitude in managing Cain's campaign is matched only by his arrogance: he is the one person responsible for the awful "Libya interview" that Cain painfully plowed through, admitting lack of focus. He did not insist on a strategy session with the Milwaukee Sentinel outlining what topics could and could not be covered (which is normal in professional promotion and publicity), but instead threw Cain under the bus and, from all accounts, thought that the interview went well! He also went on to Sean Hannity's FOX news show claiming that the second harassment accuser, Karen Kraushaar, was in cahoots with POLITICO (not true).


For arguably the best laugh anyone can have over the disastrous Cain campaign, I've presented its most hilarious video below. It's talking points:


"Tomorrow, he's one day closer to the White House"- or an outhouse
"We will put "United" back in the United States of America" - united for what - pizza?
"We've run a campaign like no one's ever seen." - thank God for that!
"But then, America's never seen a candidate like Herman Cain."- let's hope not!


Block then finishes by blowing a puff of cigarette smoke into America's face. Has SNL done a sketch on this insipid wreck yet?


So can we stop laughing now? Have we been insulted with ineptitude and mindlessness enough to get back to Mitt Romney's flip-flopping or Newt Gingrich's sudden compassion for illegal immigrants? For the sake of the country's health, can we refrain from the pathological laughter brought on by the likes of Cain and Block? 


Because this campaign is no longer a fun-filled pizza...


...it's toast.

* So prevalent is the American philosophy that politicians always have something to hide - especially sexually, porn king Larry Flynt is willing to pay $1 million to the person who proves that Rick Perry has had an extramarital affair - gay or straight. We're waiting.


**Or at least it's supposed to have more goals.