To Mike Huckabee: NICE GUYS DON'T GET LAID!

And Maybe People Shouldn't Vote for Them

Dear "Aw-Shucks" Huck:

I've just read where some people in the state of Utah don't like you (gasp!). I know that seems impossible given your image as the man everyone likes, but it's true. Read it here if you don't believe me.

It's the Mormons, the feminists and the gays, you see. They're the ones slandering you so much. Demonspawn to be sure, but if you don't watch out, others of real importance will start to question things. Things like why you still haven't met with Ryan White's mother and why you won't let people read any of your old sermons. By the way, did you really say that Mormons believe that Jesus and Satan were brothers?

Maybe you should re-strategize. Everyone was diappointed when they found out George Bush was NOT Will Rogers. (He's only been trying to channel wise old Will - unsuccessfully.) And people are starting to question the whole Southern Baptist thing. The Mormon/Utah thing really goes back to the time the SBC convention was unwisely held in Salt Lake City and some 2200 SBCers went door-to-door terrorizing (uh, sorry preaching) to Mormons that they weren't really Christians.

So, Huck, people are getting a bit suspicious. "Nice guys" and "friendly next-door-neighbor" types just aren't as popular as they once were. Politics is truly a place where nice guys finish last. They don't get laid, either.



Will Rogers, the good ole' cowboy who "never yet met a man I didn't like." The picture shows that the only hat that fit him was a Stetson.

He was popular enough for people to beg him to run for public office (governor of his native state, Oklahoma). To him, being a humorist was easy: "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." He was, however, a stalwart of FDR often saying "I don't belong to any organized party. I'm a Democrat."

"Born Again Barbie" Wants to Settle Down - Not with Ken, but Tony Perkins!!

If Tony Perkins' wife, Lawana, doesn't look like this,

their 21-year-old-marriage might be in trouble!

The astoundingly beautiful lady to the left is Barbara Millicent Roberts, aka Barbie. She was born in March, 1959 (yes, she certainly looks good for her 49 years!). Her mother was Ruth Handler and her father was believed to be the CEO of Mattel, the world's largest and most influential toy manufacturer/public relations company. Her measurements are an unbelievable 36-18-33 (a bit like Scarlett O'Hara's). Her worldwide celebrity has resulted in her likeness being sold two times per second!


Ms Roberts has led a glamorous and peripatetic lifestyle: she has had over 80 careers and has even run for President (then again, hasn't everyone?). Her long-time boyfriend, Ken, was not able to keep up with Barbie's celebrity and the two broke up several years ago. Her wardrobe is not to be believed! Rumor has it, however, that despite all that glitz and glamour this jetset icon now wants desperately to settle down. And since Barbie never settles for the mundane, she has set her sights on the one person who's middle name is "family": Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.

And what of the erstwhile Ken?

In an interview with the beloved lady, Barbie told the press that Ken has been denounced as a sinister mole for the homosexual agenda. "He used me," she said simply. "I need a family and God. Not in that order, of course, but I want to be Tony Perkins' little wifey! I know God will approve, even if Tony's wife, Lackawana (sic) won't."

Mr. Perkins had no comment. This is not surprising since in his milieu, divorce is one family factor a good Christian does not discuss. Then there's the imprimatur of the Vatican; not the one in Rome, but the one in Colorado Springs: would his holiness, Dobson I, approve? Perkins may also be afraid that marriage to a megastar would prove very difficult: would FRC be able to raise enough in donations to pay for Barbie's spectacular array of outfits? Could he continue to be a chaste and devout Christian husband? Would Born Again Barbie be Christian enough - or, at least, sell to the American Christian market? Or would they both spiral down to become what most of Perkins' constituency really is. Here's actual police footage of an event in the life of a "has-been" Barbie:

Only time will tell!

Versus Versus Versus!

Why, our my little 'ole brains would bust

if we thought of all the possibilities!

Even though the field of candidates has dwindled, we Americans still have plenty of sides to choose from. You think it eventually boils down to two parties? Guess again:

Clinton vs. McCain - Steel Magnolia vs. the War in Iraq

Clinton vs. Romney - Woman vs. Man

Clinton vs. Huckabee - Woman vs. Southern Baptist Preacher

Obama vs. McCain - African-American vs. War in Iraq

Obama vs. Romney - African-American vs. White Wealthy Man

Obama vs. Huckabee - Race vs. God

Then we have:

Liberalism vs. Value Voters

Focus on the Family vs. Same Sex Marriage

Illegal aliens vs. White Supremicists

Globalization vs. Ostrich head-in-the-sandism

Secularism vs. Christianism

Ann Coulter vs. Everyone

etc. etc. etc. into infinity! And until November (FOREVER!)

Was Scarlett O'Hara Anti-Christian As Well As Anti-War?

"War,war, war!

I get so sick of war talk I could scream!

...maybe there isn't going to be any war!"

Some of today's CINOs* seem to love war. Well, maybe "love" isn't the right word." "Lust after" might be better. To them, many "wars" are justified: the "war" with Satan for instance, the "war" against terrorism, the "war" on drugs. But as with all things lust-worthy, an urge to war can become too intoxicating to contain itself. The concept of battle seeps into everything and militarism becomes sanctified. Tommorrow marks the 148th anniversary of the lyrics for The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;

He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:

His truth is marching on.

I have seen Him in the watch- fires of a hundred circling camps,

They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps;

I can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps:

His day is marching on.

I have read a fiery gospel writ in burnished rows of steel:

"As ye deal with my contemners, so with you my grace shall deal;

Let the Hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with His heel,

Since God is marching on."

He has sounded for the the trumpet that shall never call retreat;

He is sifting out the hearts of men before his judgment-seat:

Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! be jubilant, my feet!

Our God is marching on.

In the beauty of the Lilies Christ was born across the sea,

With a glory in His bosom tha transfigures you and me:

As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,

While God is marching on.

He is coming like the glory of th morning on the wave,

He is Wisdom to the mighty, He is Succor to the brave,

So the world shall be His footstool, and the soul of Time His slave,

Our God is marching on.

War words all.

MarkTwain wrote a marvelous parody of the lyrics. When you read the following two verses, think of St. Halliburton (first) or any one of our esteemed televangelists (second):

In a sordid slime harmonious Greed was born in yonder ditch,

With a longing in his bosom - and for other's goods an itch.

As Christ died to make men holy, let men die to make us rich -

Our god is marching on.

I have read his bandit gospel writ in burnished rows of steel:

"As ye deal with my pretensions, so with you my wrath shall deal;

Let the faithless son of Freedom crush the patriot with his heel;

Lo, Greed is marching on!"

And some CINOs have taken to indoctrinating in military/war terminology: a group of born-again teenagers call their group "Battle Cry!"

They'll never make swords into ploughshares that's for sure.

*Christian In Name Only

What Do We REALLY Know About Dick Cheney and Mahatma Ghandi?

One of the things we know for sure:

Dick Cheney did NOT assassinate Ghandi.

- BUT HE COULD HAVE!

...if he had owned a gun and was in India at the time he was 7 years-old. Think hard: impossible, or merely improbable? Today marks the 60th ANNIVERSARY OF GHANDI'S ASSASSINATION - January 30 - and is also Dick Cheney's birthday.

Come to think of it, there were a lot of terrible things that happened on January 30th:

1. King Charles I was beheaded and Oliver Cromwell came to power in England
2. Andrew Jackson survived the first attempt to assisinate a U.S. President
3. Vietnam's TET offensive was launched
4. The Beatles made their last public appearance together
5. Ireland's "Bloody Sunday" occurred

...and 6. Hitler became Chancellor of Germany

O.K., lots of terrible things throughout history have happened on someone's birthdate (example: on mine - June 15th - "Hee Haw" premiered!). But when you think of Dick Cheney and these events, somehow, the word "coincidence" doesn't immediately spring to mind. The word "fitting" seems oddly closer to reality... and that's scary.

What kind of birthday present would YOU give Dick Cheney? What kind of present do you think he WANTS?

In any case, Happy Birthday, Dick!

Love, Mahatma

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OPRAH! NOW RUN FOR PRESIDENT!

When You're the World's Most Admired Woman,

Anything's Possible!

Michael Moore once possited that if Oprah Winfrey ever ran for President, she would win hands down. Which begs the question: why hasn't she?

Come on, Oprah! You've won our hearts, so surely you can win our votes! You're more intelligent than anything that's been in the office (for at least the last seven years). You can back Obama all you want, but with every vote for Obama, the voter will be thinking "O.K., but I sure wish it was Oprah!" You and only you could win on sheer charisma! Which opposing candidate would even dare run an attack ad? The ads could attack the American flag, apple pie and moms but not you!

Stop campaigning for everyone else! Think of it: the first African-American AND the first woman President! Ann Coulter would be frothing at the mouth in apoplexy! Michelle Malkin would faint! Rush Limbaugh would OD on painkillers! Bill O'Reilly would be rendered speechless. Pat Robertson would become more senile! (Oh, wait, that's not possible). O.K., maybe I'm overdoing it just a tiny bit, but Oprah, you can't deny that this country has always been awaiting your magic touch.

Again Happy Birthday Girl!

Did Heath Ledger Die for Our Sins?

Phelps: Hallelujah for Star-studded, Spectacular Deaths!

20 years ago today, the space shuttle Challenger exploded only seconds after take-off, killing allseven crew members. Fred Phelps didn't have a media presence back then, or he would have shouted "Glory Hallelujah" just as he did after the Columbia disaster:


Anti-homosexual activist Fred Phelps produced a flier that claimed, "The 7 Are In Hell," where he stated, "God's Arm hurled Columbia in fragments to the ground, and hurled the 7 fools into the everlasting fires of Hell - in wrath and vengeance, laughing, mocking and deriding this nation of fags." - Phelp's Web site, 2/2

His website's latest headline:

Thank God Ledger Is Dead!

Heath Ledger Is In Hell!

LORD Willing we will preach at his funeral!

Heath Ledger chose to promote the vile sin of sodomy in defiance of God's law. No one made him play a faggot cowboy in "Brokeback Mountain". No one made him kiss another man, in a flagrant attempt to further desensitize not only americans but Bible-illiterate fools the world over to the filthy depravity that is faggotry. He chose to do that all on his own. He could have used that bully pulpit he has to promote the cause of God and truth instead. God has repaid him to his face for his filth. Thank God for His Justice. All who flaunt God's law can expect the same. Amen

Of course, we instantly dismiss whatever Phelps and his Topeka, KS family of hate say about anyone or anything. After all, who listens?

Someone might.

That's the real tragedy of Ledger's death: that anyone might use his name or image to actually kill someone else. It makes no difference that Ledger was an actor in a fictional film. To someone, he might have been more than real. Someone may be out there who hates the Heath Ledgers of the world - the people who are willing to take risks so that others will stop and think about macho images and tolerance.

Thank you, Heath Ledger.